If I were to write a letter

Today is the first day back at work after being off for two whole weeks. My department is the largest one on campus with about 70 instructors and then there's me, just one admin. I already know that the phone calls, office visits and e-mails will ask just about the same questions, so to avoid saying it 70 times, this is what I would say to them if I were to write them all a letter and send it via e-mail:

Dear Colleagues, my time off was wonderful. My Christmas and New Year was even better because I didn't have to see you. I didn't get anything from hubby mainly because I asked him not to get me anything. There was just nothing I wanted. Yes, I did go and see my parents in MS and it was short but fun. While I'm writing, you might as well know that I really hate it when you call me Barb. I mean, seriously, how much more effort does it take your tongue to add that ara on the end. Please do not ask me to help you carry anything to your car and you are parked up the street. I really might consider it if you pull up to the door and since this is not part of my job description, you may want to tip me afterwards. When you are taking me to lunch, I really do appreciate it but can you take me on work time because I really don't want to meet up anywhere on a Saturday or Sunday. I see you five days a week, shouldn't that be enough! When you are off work, why do you make it a point to come in on your off day? Thanks for the birthday surprises you give but I'm sure that every year, you can't possibly forget that I do not eat coconut cake. Oh and one more thing, please stop calling and e-mailing me with your complaints. I have problems of my own. My degree is in Pre-Legal Administration and not Psychology. But my opinion is that some of you really need a psychiatrist instead. No, seriously. I could go on but I, unlike some of you, really do have work to do. Now y'all have a great day now, ya hear! Signed~ The office. ~

Lovingly yours,