Wednesday, November 16, 2011

You stank and I smell it

The fan/vent in the ladies restroom at work had suddenly stopped working. I am one to say that the value of this fan was greatly missed today. I had to use the toilet and I have come to a point in life that I am not going to be trying to hold my pee. When I got to go, I got to go. There is also a can of air freshner that is normally in the restroom but I do not know where it disappeared to today. I walked in and the smell of do-do was all around the bathroom. I tried to hurry up and let this stream of urine come out of me so I could get out of there. I was gasping for air but no air was to be found. Each whiff felt like my lungs were being contaminated. I do not know who was the person in there before me but I know they have got to feel a whole lot better because whatever they let out was happy to get out. I tried to hold my breath in the bathroom but didn't want to be found collasped on the floor in this horrible smell. That was just no way to go. I couldn't wash my hands fast enough. It smelled like two camels gave birth to a midget giraffe. The smell was hideous.

Getting to the door seemed to take forever. I thought I was surrounded by a fog of spoiled eggs on a bed of tainted calimari. Nope - it was like raw liver and fish mixed with turtle eyeballs and racoon pee that had been out in the sun for the umpteenth day. So when I did manage to open the door, I coughed profusely that I actually thought I was gonna upchuck my tongue. The smell had gotten inside my goozer and I was wishing that I could have taken my nostril lining out to wash it clean with bleach. I know that every body has to drop a turd and it may have an unusual smell but it don't linger that long, but this couldn't have been no ordinary turd from whoever was in the restroom. This person must have eaten skunk meat.

When I started coughing, the lady in the next room came to see if I was ok and all I could say was, "Pretend that this restroom is Jim Jones, so don't drink the kool-aid." She laughed out loud and I started laughing too. It was good to breathe right again. I'm gonna start carrying air fresher in my purse.

1 comment:

  1. This is too too funny, really hill-larr-eee-ous!!! You have me in stitches over here. Love this post!